I feel like I learn things new everyday regarding this “theory”. Yesterday we had a blowup! An ugly one, it was fast and we recovered quickly (1 hour turn around and we salvaged the rest of the night) when in the past an escalation like that would have lasted for days. If not a whole week!
I got angry at him. I said it made me upset that he refused to use the tools I’ve given him when he gets mad. Sometimes I remind him and I see an instant softening, his brain instantly relaxes and he will soften and within seconds he’s already cracking a joke about what he was previously about to be angry about.
Sometimes I remind him as he gets upset and he says ”I DONT CARE about that right now”
My sneaky brain translates that to “I don’t care about YOU right now, I don’t care about the tools right now. I’m refusing to try!”
This is FALSE. These are rare moments but they’ve happened over the last 21 months. I’ve taken mental note and get miffed about it silently or subconsciously.
Yesterday I finally said something as I yelled back with my hoarse voice. (We’ve been sick) I told him it made me upset he would refuse to use the tools we worked so hard to find.
It’s not “won’t” it’s “can’t”
He thought I was nuts. He repeated himself. “Come to middle brain. In those moments I don’t care. I don’t care about anything, my brain is already fried. I’m not refusing, I just CANT do it”
About halfway through him explaining it, it clicked and I felt stupid. I was hearing “I refuse to use these tools” when he said “I don’t care about that right now” he meant it as literal as it could be. He was past a point already and the sensory overload had electrocuted “Jerry”(Jerry is the guy who runs his brain factory) it’s not that he didn’t “care” in the sense that he was capable of caring and refused (my brain added that meaning) he didn’t care because he COULDNT care. His brain was already in distress and couldn’t think. (Although in less intense situations, i can mention it and his brain DOES subconsciously take over and he starts to dissipate.)
Remember guys, our BRAINS ARE DESIGNED TO MISUNDERSTAND EACH OTHER. They really are! It’s a miracle any of us are in relationships with the ones we love.
Some days the sensory overload is soo crazy. Even with the tools we’ve made for all the relationship stuff, the sensory stuff is a mystery we are trying to demystify. We’re working on it though! I’m determined to crack a code to make an automation that filters sensory overload.
Sensory overload is NUTS
Sometimes Jerry doesn’t show up for work.
SomeTimes Jerry catches fire.
Sometimes Edward scissorhands (our oldest) comes in and messes with the electrical panel.
Sometimes Jerry decides to light the whole factory on fire when he’s on fire too.
Sometimes someone runs into his “factory” with a bomb strapped to them.
These things are unavoidable right now. We can’t always stop a sensory overload. But his refractory rate is amazing. He bounces back so much faster than he or I ever thought he’d be able to.
Saturday was the trunk or treat. That morning we had no sleep and had an early football game and a cake due. Kids got hurt on our team and our refs SUCKED. It bothered him, especially the idea of hurt kids and corrupt refs. By the time we returned to our house that was a disaster and the kids who were all being lazy and uncooperative. He was just DONE. We had a bunch of stuff to do but i sent him up stairs. A couple hours later i told him the chili recipe and Ingredients were on the counter, I had to run and get last minute stuff for the trunk or treat. I came home with Just a half hour before we had to leave. He was done making the home made chili, he had 2 kids done with their costumes on, he was cutting up a sheet for our 12 year olds codtume and putting final touches on it he was a stylish ghost with a fedora) the house was a disaster and he wasn’t fazed by the chaos. He was in good spirits and running around getting stuff done and delegating responsibilities.
We’re we late? Yeah, like 20 minutes.
He didn’t get upset, or get anxious about being late. we got there and there was other people late. It is what it is. We moved on and enjoyed our evening.
His chili was BOMB. He complimented me on orchestrating our outfits and how I decorated our car at the last minute. (Something in the past he could never compliment because it would be too much change and make him stressed!) He actually told me i was so amazing and that he didnt deserve me. This is common behavior for him now though. We constantly have a flow of flirty banter all day too. And guaranteed cuddles every night. He constantly tells me how adorable and beautiful i am. He finds me irresistible. I can’t get enough of him. I generally get sad when he has to take a break cuz i just like spending time with him, I miss his company now. Vs before when we both embraced the time we were apart because it was a relief for us to not engage with each other. Now we gravitate to each other.
Ironically I don’t feel I deserve him either. Knowing what he goes up against in his head every day, and the battle he fought for 38 years alone in isolation tells me the magnitude of his character and his soul, he’s a truly amazing man. In this earthly sense and beyond in a spiritual sense, he’s amazing and I’m grateful he chose me to share this crazy life with.
The type of love we always wanted
In reality, I think we both “deserve” each other. But we both feel humbled to be chosen by each other. This is the type of love i wanted from him for 14 years. The type where you felt like you won the lottery. I wanted him to feel that way about me, but before he couldn’t really. Only because his brain was so overwhelmed by life and by all the things about me that made no sense. He couldn’t appreciate me when i was his little trash angel. He couldn’t see past the trash.
Guys. Life is hard. Learn the tools. Then learn them again and again. Retrain your brain. I’ve submerged myself in this for 21 months and my brain Still betrays me! Practice practice practice! If you have questions, just ask. We will share and explain anything. Please. Use the tools. It helps SO much!
