Here I am just feeling myself today. No Snapchat filter to remove my wrinkles and make me look ten years younger. No makeup. No false eyelashes, no lip plumping. My freckles are out, my thick arms, no supportive bra, my birthmark on my shoulder that looks like a bruise, I love her too. I love my skin, and my beautiful brown eyes (in case you’re wondering because I am still obsessed with my blue eyes contacts) Now I dress myself up because it brings me joy. But I’m perfectly content with who I am naturally.
TL;DR I get super vulnerable with ALL of you. I love myself and I’ve beat my ED. It’s worth the read to read the whole thing. Especially if you’d like to really know the real Alicia. XOXOXO
Self Image
I wish I could explain how broken I was. I wish I could explain how much I hated my body, I wish I could explain how dark of a place I was in. I loved and accepted everyone around me so freely, but I could never allow myself the same type of love. I remember those rare times I’d look myself in the mirror and say “I love you, Alicia, you are beautiful” I would break down and cry like lip quivering, tears streaming down my face. I think it’s because of a few things, 1. I didn’t believe it was true. 2. My body and my soul was so starved for love from me that even hearing those words was like giving the cracked dry ground a little bit of water, and 3. I knew that even if I said the words or even felt that way for a split second, I would go back to hating myself the next minute.
I fixated on all my flaws. I had an image of my body that I formed probably in puberty, a Fat 10-year-old boy with man boobs. I labeled myself that and never let it escape. In fact, it was just January that I was crying to my doctor and told her that, she looked at me very concerned and said “I think you might have body dysmorphia… you are very beautiful” and all I could think was, that’s only a condition that skinny people have. I also told her I believed that I COULD look pretty when I do myself up like I have the potential, but it takes a lot of work. Ouch. I was so broken.
Every day I hated on my body so much. It was so bad. my breasts, my stomach, my hump on my neck, my knock knees, my varicose veins, my calves, my arms, my belly apron. ALL Of these things were the ONLY things I saw in the mirror, and the only thing my body was, was the number that was on the scale in the morning.
Every 👏🏻 compulsive 👏🏻 morning. I would weigh and the scale would tell me what my SELF WORTH was. It was pathetic.
For many years it would put me in horrible moods, I would lash out on everyone around me until sean sat me down about it. It wasn’t fair to treat others that way because I hated myself. So I stopped being mean to others and continued to bully myself inside. I would always wear my pearl necklace because I felt like my neck was too fat without it. I always hated my neck or lack of one and I thought that would bring some definition. I never took it off. I slept in it, I swam in it, I worked out in it. It wasn’t just a fashion piece for me, it was my security blanket.
Many of you know my journey. Last year I was kicking butt and taking names with my fasting journey, like dominating and conquering the world. It was fantastic. Sometime in December my eating disorder came back with a vengeance. It took me a long time to believe I had one, I’ve never been anorexic, and I’d tell myself that I was too big to have an eating disorder because if it was a real eating disorder I would be thinner. Yes, that’s what your eating disorder tells you. In the past, I’d binge and purge, abuse laxatives compulsively (yes I’m OCD, and ADHD btw) I’ve thrown up, abused laxatives while pregnant. (I was sick in the head) I didn’t do it as badly as I did in high school so that’s how I justified it. After my third child, I stopped that. It had done damage to my body and I was blessed to still have healthy babies.
Over the last six months, my eating disorder was out of control, there was trigger after trigger. Self-sabotage and 2 early pregnancy losses, each would send me into a wild depression, job stresses, binge cycle of shame. My eating disorder (who I will now characterize as Ed, my emotionally manipulative abusive side piece boyfriend). It was during this time I reached my darkest points in my mind. I didn’t even see them as dark at the time, but I subconsciously hated myself so much. Again, All the while I loved others so much and soo freely. And here’s the thing, I actually knew I was an amazing person, I’m pretty freaking awesome, so when I say I hated myself, I’m referring to my strictly physical self. I hated myself so much, I’m convinced that it caused a tumor to grow on my lip. The doctors couldn’t explain it. I hated it so much, I’d cut it off and it would grow back bigger. It was insane. My body was falling apart.
A couple of months ago I started seeing a lifeline practitioner. Some think it’s crazy, but I have sought help in all the forms, doctors, medication, therapists, psychologists, and the ones that I’ve felt connected to and felt real change and help were those that catered to the spiritual side of things. I was familiar with muscle testing, meridians, energy healing, but haven’t been able to fully explore. I had one reiki session with my cousin last year and it unleashed my voice in ways I never expected. I found LIFELINE It’s an energy healing that sounded like it was exactly what I needed. To put it best, this is what it is:
The LifeLine Technique is a transformative method of holistic healing that identifies imbalances of emotional energy and corrects them at a core level, thereby releasing them from the subconscious mind.
The LifeLine is able to identify, harmonize and release stored emotional stress, and then balance our electromagnetic field of energy, which then regenerates the body, mind, and spirit. Healing occurs from the deepest possible level of our subconscious mind.
The subconscious mind represents 95% of our reality below the surface of our daily awareness. It controls every function of the body,–heart rate, blood pressure, immunity, hormones, blood sugar, muscle tone, etc. The subconscious mind is also the storehouse of emotions that at certain times in our lives we didn’t have the conscious tools to fully process in the moment of the experience.
The LifeLine Technique practitioner uses a kinesiologically-based system to access the subconscious mind to determine which emotions are blocking the flow of energy throughout the body. Sessions with the LifeLine Technique awaken you to the root cause of the painful, scary or stressful experiences that manifests as symptoms, such as physical pain, physical illness, stress or anxiety
So yeah. I found Andrea and cautiously but enthusiastically had my first session. The emotions that were suffocating me at the beginning of our session, was no longer connected to me, it was as if they were far across the room and I was waving goodbye at them. They weren’t sitting in my chest anymore.
After about two sessions my tumor was gone.
I believe it was the 3rd session we tackled my gigantic body image problem. That was a huge session. So much ugly crying. Once again when my session was over I had this strange detachment from all those feelings that once suffocated me daily. I was exhausted after that session and collapsed on my bed. Sean came in and just held me for a long time and then we made love for the first time as a new person, a person who really didn’t give a crap about her physical flaws. It was amazing. It started out as not caring about those flaws, a huge step from hating them, then the energy just kept shifting. I woke up loving myself more and more. In ways, I never thought possible. Each day I’d see a new thing I’d love and appreciate about my body.
The feeling is hard to explain. I feel like I woke up in the movie “I feel pretty” the one where she hits her head and thinks she all of a sudden is beautiful. Well, my love and gratitude for my wonderful body isn’t because I thought it looked perfect according to the world’s beauty standards, but because I had such a greater understanding of who I was Spiritually and the wonderful gift my body is for me in this eternal plan. I believe we were sent to this earth to get a body and be tested and then return to our father in heaven. This body is the greatest gift and is literally enabling me to live out the plan of happiness, for that I am eternally grateful. Before, The only thing I ever saw or paid attention to was my physical body. As Andrea helped me connect with my higher self, my spiritual self. I was able to see my body as a separate being from who I truly am. And in seeing it separate from me, (kinda like a mental out of body glimpse) I became grateful for it, full of gratitude and love for this body that is joining my spirit on this earthly experience. In doing all that. I was able to join my spirit and body in a healthy way, without forgetting my divine spiritual power. I am aware my body is not what the world considers beauty to be. But I LOVE it so much. I am filled with gratitude and have woken up to see that its the best friend who has always been there for me. My partner on this journey, who works so hard for me on even a cellular level. In our sessions, we actually itemize Things on a cellular level and thank the different functions. Even going through that motion and bringing those things to my attention made me realize how hard my body really does work for me. I literally sit and cry tears of gratitude for this wonderful gift of my body. And sometimes tears of sorrow for the years I spent bullying my poor body. AND MY LIP TUMOR IS GONE.
I kinda reminded me of the scene in peter pan where they personify his shadow. You never think about your shadow as having a personality of its own. It’s just a part of you. And Peter Pan had to catch it and get it to work with him again. I feel like that’s how my body and spirit have been, I’ve never really FELT the meaning of them as separate entities so deeply, how my body is NOWHERE a reflection of myself in spirit form, and that I am a spiritual queen! Once I really understood my divine power, I saw my body separate. This best friend of mine (my body) was doing everything she could for me while I was never satisfied with her efforts or results. What’s worse is I would periodically neglect or abuse her and still expect her to perform for me. She was starving for love and shriveling from lack of kindness.
I now wear makeup because it brings me joy instead of using it to cover up things I hated about myself.
I used to compulsively wear my pearl necklace because I thought my neck looked fat without it. It broke and all I can see was “wow neck, you are so BEAUTIFUL AND SMOOTH. “
Binge Eating Disorder
About 2 weeks ago I had the best session with her. (May 23rd I think) We targeted binge eating specifically. Emotionally I went to the place of pleasure that binge eating brought me to, we dissected all the feelings and thoughts associated with it so we’d have a starting point. For me, I began to realize that it was the safety, security, love, pleasure, and joy I would feel as I swallowed those things, something I hadn’t been able to totally pinpoint before. The compulsive desire I had to satisfy those urges and desires. We fueled love into that baby girl Alicia that didn’t have the love she needed and secure attachments to branch from the “food is love” stage of life to “love is love” stage, a natural child development that was skipped due to tumultuous life experiences when I was young. a biological father incapable of being a stable father figure or provide predictable love and a hardworking mother, doing her absolute best as a single mom and juggling two young children. Often I was with my aunt and grandma. They provided the most comforting and consistent love id ever known. Both wonderfully soft, comforting, plush women, who made sure to hug and kiss me all while feeding me the most delicious, and pleasurable foods my little self could eat. No restrictions, just endless love and food pleasure. That was my happy place, those feelings of safety, security, love, pleasure. That was deeply instilled in my little head from such a young age. So growing up. Whenever I was happy, sad, angry, bored, food, FOOD was my friend. Food was my lover. My husband struggles/struggled with mental illness and many times there was perceived abandonment, my abandonment issues with my biological father triggered and I went in search of my food lover. My food lover was predictable, I would always find happiness with food, it was CONSISTENT. The only consistent thing I’d EVER have in my whole life.
BUT just like an ABUSIVE boyfriend. My food lover was cruel, he always offered pleasure and held it over my head, he was mean and critical and told me I was weak and ugly for turning to him. ED (Eating Disorder) Would tell me I would NEVER be able to leave him for good. That I would always call him up for those midnight booty calls, that I would always have him on my unfaithful mind, that no one would ever bring me pleasure like he could. He would tell me he would always give me that love and security that my little Alicia never had, That I couldn’t ever really live without him. That I would eventually come back to him. He even told me not to get the VSG (vertical sleeve gastrectomy) 4 years ago because that would mean I couldn’t ever binge with him again. I believed him and didn’t make a change that would’ve helped me live a healthy life. He’d tell me I was worthless, he’d bully me into tears. And when I was a big pile of tears and couldn’t get out of bed, he would bully me some more and then tell me he loved me and said I could make all the pain go away if I just ate with him. He scared me into thinking I really COULDN’T live without him. Every weight-loss program I attempted, he would loom over my head and tell me I would eventually come back when I was tired or weak or when my self-control gave out, he told me I couldn’t resist him and that resisting his temptations was too hard. When I hit a goal he would tell me that I deserved to visit with him. He loved seducing me when I was tired, feeling unloved, or sad. ED (eating disorder) was sick and abusive. It was not real love. Why didn’t I dump ED before? Because I didn’t love myself, I didn’t truly believe that I deserved to be living my best life although that’s what I’ve always wanted. And Ed was like a virus, attaching to its host and becoming one with it, many times I didn’t even know Ed was talking to me.
After that last session with Andrea. That voice is all but gone. He faintly tries to talk to me, and I easily and effortlessly tell him to STFU and go to hell. I converse with my body, truly ask her what she feels like doing. Like when I got into an argument with my husband a week and a half ago (used to be a trigger) and there was tons of cupcakes and cake pops leftover on my counter from an order (I own a licensed home BAKERY!) ED tried to tell me “You COULD always eat those, it would feel so good, I’m always here for you” I asked my body, “would you like to eat that?” She replied. NO THANK YOU. We actually chose to eat steamed cauliflower rice and it was so satisfying. And it felt so good and I didn’t feel deprived one bit. I am Intermittent fasting. I am not compulsive about it. I DO NOT feel that deprived feeling. the one where I feel like at any moment my strength could crumble and my rubber band snaps! NO, because I don’t feel restricted. I feel free. My hunger has gone down a lot too and it’s crazy to think how much was psychological hunger that manifested in physical hunger. My cravings for sugar and junk literally vanished in THAT ONE SESSION. Before, the idea of never having a donut gave me ANXIETY. Like SEPARATION anxiety, the kind I’d get when going to kindergarten that first year. I would cry uncontrollably when my parents dropped me off, especially when my biological father dropped me off. Yeah, that heart-pounding feeling of being alone.
Now, I couldn’t care less. I literally feel free and it’s amazing to feel so free. Every day I still weigh, and my weight on the scale is NOT my reflection of me and my power. It’s a simple measurement of my progress, I also know that when I go up, it’s my body doing its job to convert the energy I burn, and that sometimes (especially when I have to stay up all night for work, my body goes into survival mode and retains water to protect me) that used to trigger me to binge, now I know it’s my wonderful body taking care of me and she always releases that water once I resume my normal sleeping schedule. She’s amazing.
Since my session with Andrea, I’ve effortlessly lost 21 lbs intermittent fasting and while being in ketosis. (Yes in two weeks) I will lose a few lbs, stay the same for a couple of days and drop some more. I even went up a pound one time and this didn’t trigger me. No, because my body is doing its thing and I’m loving it at every step. If I feel like I’m starving I will eat, but my body craves all the healthy things now. Weird right? And I can’t stop looking at myself in the mirror, I catch a glimpse and tell my body how much I love her and appreciate her service. And instead of seeing my arms as gross, I sometimes I squeeze my squishy upper arms and thank my body for the squeezee toy that’s always with me, I won’t ever get bored! As my son put it once, “mom you have orbeez in your arm.” Why yes Cameron, yes I do. Lol 😂
I’ m probably annoying the crap out of everyone because I can’t stop taking selfies. ✌🏻
Anyways, back to work, but I had to share the thoughts racing through my mind! I’d be happy to pass on her info so she can help you as well.
If you made it through all this, you are a CHAMP!
XOXOX- Alicia
One Comment
Sarah-Noel
You are a warrior goddess ❤️