Part 5- How to introduce and implement these concepts with your Manny partner.

You are not “responsible” for “fixing” or teaching another grown-up anything

Some women get really triggered by this concept. And considering the huge misunderstanding we’ve all been submerged in for years, this is true. But like with anything, you can get stuck on this concept, or you can realize that it can change in different circumstances. The 2 box method explains how we can help our partners and show them they don’t have to be in such mental distress. This helps them become the men we need them to be See it here.

Why I don’t have a problem “teaching” a grown man to function

1. He never asked to be born with a manual processing brain. This would cause me so much despair before I figured it out. I was stuck in a miserable marriage, I knew the damage to end would be worse. I knew it wasn’t my fault and I knew it wasn’t his fault either! That’s just the way he is. It felt hopeless. And just like starving kids in Africa never asked to be born there, he would grow old and die before he could ever see there was more in life.
2. He was never taught by his caregivers, they didn’t know either. Even if he was taught coping skills, that doesn’t reach the root of the issue. NOBODY has ever addressed this! It’s so easy to see a helpless orphan and want to help them, but without any proper guidance their entire lives, their brain is like an orphaned child. Doing its best to feed itself, find purpose and make connections without ANYONE to teach them. he is essentially a neurotypical infant.
3. I love him. More than anything. It’s the reason I endured the “abuse” or else why else would I still be here.
4. My sweetheart is under all the layers. It seems like such a simple sacrifice when I clearly see who he is and what is at stake.

Perception Fixes Everything

You must finally see him clearly, without this, you don’t make sense and your opinions and views don’t make sense, it can’t be trusted logically. In order to speak his language, you must use logic.

1. We’ve been approaching this all wrong. We saw with neurotypical eyes –because those are the only ones we have— and saw them as the problem ALL. THIS. TIME. We thought we were looking at them with 360 degrees, but it was 359 degrees. That ONE degree makes ALL the difference.
2. You must have your AHA moment first. When you recognize that all their behavior can be explained by the Manual Processing Brain. Then you can see your perception of them has been wrong ALL along. If you haven’t grasped the concept completely, you can’t see them completely. You must first get a firm grasp. This is paramount in reaching your Manny.
3. You can FINALLY validate all their hard work. This step cannot be FAKED. The fact that his heart has been fighting to keep you in his brain, even when it caused massive mental damage. He FOUGHT harder for you then you can ever comprehend. Validate it all! Use your words. He lives in a world that DISMISSES his efforts and labels him an abuser, a monster, selfish, stubborn, uncaring, unloving, NO EMOTIONS. When you see all his negative behaviors were just a result of his mental survival mode— It will knock his socks off and rock his world.
   1. Validate all his hard work (I can see now how you were overwhelmed that must have been SO Difficult)
   2. Validate his sacrifices (I can see now how doing what I asked caused you SO much mental suffering, I can’t imagine the pain you went through)
   3. Validate and acknowledge that he DOES love you and is showing you the best he knows how with the coping skills he has in mental survival mode. (I can see now that you DO love me! You fought hard to make sense of my existence, I can’t imagine how hard that internal struggle was, but I’m SO grateful you hung in there because you do love me)
   4. Validate that you understand how he couldn’t process but TRIED (I understand and see every cycle of good behavior was because you held on as hard as you could before desperation and mental exhaustion took over, my brain can’t comprehend the level of stress)
4. Apologize. This could be appropriate for you, this may not. I just know that for me, I just wanted to say sorry for all I didn’t see. Even though I myself didn’t know either. I honestly couldn’t apologize enough for all he went through, even from his childhood.

 

It’s important to note, you will not be seen as a logical source of information until he knows you really DO understand him.

If you read my post about the pool analogy and how we basically are telling our Mannies to just drown quieter so we don’t bother other people (teaching only coping skills so he can blend in) I talk about how we MUST teach them to swim and give coping skills. You ESSENTIALLY become the swim instructor. But many Mannies are like the child clinging to the side of the pool. NOT DARING to trust that instructor. They almost drowned. Does this person even know what they’re doing?

They will NOT trust us to teach them if they think we don’t know how to swim. Even though we saw them fall in the pool and almost drown. They still don’t know what swimming even is or why they were drowning, even more, they’re not going to trust us when nothing we’ve ever done made logical sense. When we see them clearly and VALIDATE them, then they finally see we can see we ARE capable of logic. We become instantly more credible.

How learning this theory helps me to never be hurt again. Regardless of if he uses it or not

Even when your partner is a willing participant and allows you to teach him how to swim. It’s not all perfect. As a swim instructor, you realize that swimming is hard. It also comes in stages. Sometimes they get exhausted from the doggy paddle and trying to keep their head up and need a break at the side of the pool. I know I don’t EVER have to be frustrated, upset or hurt if he struggles with applying things. That’s like a swim instructor getting butt-hurt because the child isn’t building muscle memory fast enough or needs to catch a breath, or accidentally goes underwater for a minute and swallows some water and gets a little traumatized. No, in fact, she wants to help when she sees that. She wants to extend a hand for them to grab while they learn these new things and she gets that he needs to go to the side and take a break. But the Manny’s brain is amazing. It seeks logic and efficiency. So when they see the instructions and how it simplifies, compresses files, and reduces mental energy, their wonderful analytical brains CANNOT RESIST the urge to try to reduce mental energy.

 

The most amazing thing for me is that I am never hurt by his behavior again. In fact, I just look at him like he’s the most fascinating creature. I’m enamored by him. I want to study him and learn the interworkings, I want to watch and see how everything he’s doing is now predictable. When he’s upset, I just want to help him because I don’t like knowing his brain is under such mental stress, but I can see clearly that sometimes even my attempts to help feel like hindrances, and it doesn’t offend me at all. I just can see his brain working so hard and I have nothing but pure love. Sometimes I just look at him as I cock my head sideways trying to figure out why he’s frustrated. He’s just so cute, even when he’s upset because I know nothing is ever really directed at me. After the years my brain tried to overcomplicate him, Its a direct reminder how simple of a creature he is to keep happy. Before I felt like I could never keep him happy. He was a huge mystery to me. Now I can see hes such a simple man, and I know exactly what makes him tick. I know how make him happy. He loves me so earnestly and simply and with all of his heart. He absorbs his world so purely and so simply. My gosh, I just want to climb inside him. I can’t get close enough to him.

Also because I now feel that way about him, he practically is never even frustrated with me. Even when I confuse him he is just happy. Last night, he walked into me after not seeing me all day (I was literally typing in my office all day) and said: “Wow, you’re gorgeous!” It was real, authentic, and not prompted and he’s NEVER ONCE said it like that to me before. Never so spontaneously. It was as if he saw me for the first time. I think it is because his mental energy has been freed so he CAN notice more things like that. I feel so close to him now. I don’t even feel emotionally empty toward him like I used to. He now sees me so much clearer and thinks I’m such an amazing human being. He willingly and openly unscrews his brain for me to tinker around in. So we can now help others who might have had to pass through Golgotha.

Your turn will come too

I know you have all been through hell. I LIVED it for 14 years. Smashed doors, smashed TVs, broken windows, chairs, tables, bookshelves, times when he’d get angry and have a meltdown WHILE driving us in the car, countless 911 calls, episodes, med changes, rapid cycling, lack of intimacy emotionally, mentally, going to social things ALONE, feeling completely isolated and unable to tell others everything because I didn’t want judgment, bearing the emotional weight of both parties of the relationship. Feeling like he thought I was a burden, thinking he wasn’t attracted to me, that I was merely a satisfactory person to fill the job description of a wife, or mother, all the times I was in tears and he was cold and indifferent, all the dark times in anger where he had his anger volcano or his shark eyes (he has blue eyes and his pupils would get so big they were ALL BLACK), where I felt I was looking at Satan himself in his eyes (which he had been driven to a point of insanity, so I do NOT DOUBT there were devils present, poor guy). Just this last July he had an episode so bad he melted down and didn’t talk to me for 8 days. We live in like 1000 sq ft of living space. It was one of the most toxic experiences of my life.

BUT in case you missed it, I have it on another post, but he validated ALL the hurt and pain I went through that he unknowingly caused. When the gravity hit him, and he realized he nearly destroyed the thing he loved the most, when it was the last thing he ever wanted to do. Well, I’ll never forget the look on his face, the moment it smacked his brain or the heartfelt sincerest apology with tears. Real ones. Like from emotions, not tears from frustration. (which rarely happened, it was primarily anger)

But now, it all seems worth it, even our life situation. He hasn’t had a real job in like 7 years. We’ve been smashed up against each other every day in a tiny house for 24/7. And the fact that we are fundamental opposites, didn’t help either. Well actually, it did, because if we didn’t go through this, we wouldn’t have the experiences to share. I hope and pray this can save your marriage, your relationship, or at least your insanity for a while until you are able to learn the language of logic. It’s a lot for all parties involved to process. So patience is key. But the results I’m seeing, in my husband, and my other two ASD children are incredible. Feel free to ask questions. I genuinely love helping when I can.