Welcome to Planet Earth. Part 1
To my mannies reading this:
I know right now, even sitting down to read this appears to be high risk/ low benefit to your resources in some way. (Or at least the risk outweighs the perceived benefit). You are taking your precious time and mental energy and spending it on something that you think has a very low chance of enhancing your life or relationships (Is that what you are thinking?)
Yet, here you are. You might be doing this ONLY because a loved one has told, convinced, begged, or pleaded with you to do it.
There seems to be no way this could truly benefit you, you’ve tried everything to make relationships in life easier and you’re still short on mental energy when it comes to dealing with living in this crazy place, or navigating relationships with the people you love who seem to think so differently from you.
So again, I want to say THANK YOU for spending your mental energy on us for a while.
I understand a little bit of the mental sacrifice you are sacrificing when you go along with something, just to make your loved ones happy.
If you saw the logic and value in this before starting, I still thank you for being here. I know this will be worth it!
WHAT IS A MANUAL PROCESSOR/ SUPER PROCESSOR?
Manual may sound confusing to some, because you are definitely automatically processing the things you’re good at. In fact, you’re insanely fast in many areas, sometimes super human.
The name Manny, Manual Processor, or Mannies, stems from the fact that when dealing with the social realm of this world, (which is majorly required to live and function in this world.) You are consciously “manually” operating SO much more than others. Meaning, YOU are working so much harder (and not being appreciated or recognized) for the mental energy sacrifices you are making, just to connect with your loved ones.
The Manual aspect pertains to the stuff that doesn’t make sense.
And yes, EVERYONE has to manually process the things that don’t make sense. Even the Hypers and Autos.
The difference between a manual processor and an automatic processor is that for a manual processor, there is an imbalance of what makes sense/ doesn’t make sense in this world (because it relies so heavily on the social realm.) With most of relationships and the social realm remaining mysterious and confusing, mannies are left to consciously operate A LOT. And thats just communication, that isnt counting all the sensory input that needs to be manually processed.
With communication 93% non-verbal, and 7% words, manual processors are set up to fail everytime they attempt to communicate with Auto processors and left to manually process that 93% of non-verbal communication.
An automatic processor is unconsciously sorting mostly everything in their minds (approx 95% according to researchers.) There’s even a spot to keep things that don’t make sense, and prevent it from sucking up mental energy while it’s getting resolved/processed. Many Mannies don’t have that option naturally and have to work hard to develop ways of thinking to preserve mental energy, and prevent the world from draining their mental energy (especially the social realm.)
A manual processor is forced to consciously operate everything that doesn’t make sense and everything that doesn’t make sense is like a giant landfillwhere everything gets dumped. Things get dumped here over and over and over again it gets full and “lights on fire” and it’s overwhelming and there’s absolutely no hope to organize or keep it clean. It’s a constant burden for the brain to have this huge landfill and to have this huge trash bin sucking up all the mental energy at any given moment. It slows down the efficiency and functioning of the brain when it’s full.
A manual processor will effortlessly automatically sort things in their necessary box, things that just makes sense require hardly any mental energy. These things are logical, are valued, are critical for your mental sanity, etc…
We just want you to know we are aware of the invisible (to the world) sacrifice you are making.
How often have people been aware or recognized this sacrifice in the past?
Answer: Probably never, or rarely. That’s why this is going to be different, and well worth your time. And I want to give you a taste of what we’re gonna talk about today.
So, what do you think? Would you like to streamline your thinking process and become more mental energy efficient similar to how you function in your necessary box? I’m hoping you continue this and see what we can offer you.
With my husband, I’ve discovered some information about “Manual Processors” that is in breakthrough stages. (This is anyone who has a brain in distress that exhibits black and white mentality, regardless of what the world has diagnosed. It can be PTSD, ASD, PDA, SPD, TBI, etc…)
Trauma appears in many forms
It appears the brain is responding similarly to a brain in “trauma,” depending on the amount of trauma, the brain shuts down different parts of the brain or reduces energy to it. It goes into survival mode and only absorbs/processes/stores/keeps what makes sense to it. Instinctually the brain rejects what doesn’t make sense. This is the source of what ends up causing strife in your life. This is “2 boxes” or 2 categories, this represents black and white thinking, things either make sense or they don’t, one of the 2. The brain hates trying to keep things that don’t make sense. It’s STUPID. It’s important to note that trauma could be damage caused by toxins that cross the blood/brain barrier, environmental chemicals, drugs, physical trauma, nutritional deficits formed in utero, even emotional trauma, so many possibilities.
Cellular level
This is a survival mechanism that we all have built in. The brain is detecting threats all around and triggers an alarm. When this alarm goes off the cell throws walls up to prevent communication from surrounding cells to prevent the threat from getting to more cells. This is meant to begin an 8 step process that ends in healing, but instead it gets stuck in the beginning stages and continues to loop with a constant alarm. The neurons can’t resume normal functioning. This “Cell Danger response” is where the neurons literally go into “survival mode” and throws walls up and prevents communications with other Neurons. The left and right hemisphere of the brain is required for functioning in this world, there is a band of neurons that bridge the gap between these two hemispheres. When the cells here are in survival mode, they are not allowing the signals to be sent back and forth. It’s like it hits a wall, it may feel like someone locked your brain and threw away the key. Your brains are actually walking around in a literal state of survival mode. These walls are up preventing communications from other parts of the brain. You need both sides for this world. For example, when reading or hearing something, the left side of your brain tells you what the words are and the individual meaning, the right side tells you the context when the words are put together. When you have blockages in the middle and on the right side, you will be stuck with reading or hearing words as literal as black and white data. You need the other areas of the brain to help you create context, which helps you determine what is and isn’t a threat. Without this ability though, it cannot detect what is and isn’t a threat, so everything is then labeled a threat. Everything that doesn’t make sense to your brain is leeching off your mental energy. The ONLY way to shut off this cellular alarm, and resume functioning, is to have your cells no longer feel threatened. You NEED to feel SAFE at the CELLULAR level.
Your Brain’s Method for Survival
To survive, your brain unconsciously rejects all the illogical, confusing, incomprehensible items to the trash bin in your mind and your brain tries to empty it as fast as it can. Things here are mentally taxing and require way too much mental energy. It must be emptied often to keep your brain running as efficiently as possible. This happens unconsciously, this is why things just make sense or they don’t. Things just feel right or they don’t. This part is unconsciously operating (this is automatic for you) The conscious and mentally taxing aspect comes when you are forced to deal with your trash bin. You have to consciously review everything
Complications
That would be lovely if life was that simple, throw away and never deal with dumb and irrelevant things. BUT complications arise when someone you love and care about tells you to retain those files. “Don’t throw them away, Care about it!” They essentially say. So you hold it. Your brain has no place to put it. It cannot be processed fully, Causing a ton of mental distress to your brain. But WHY is it so distressing to your brain to care about the illogical?
The WHY Behind is all.
It’s time to make sense of your entire existence and blow your mind. You don’t have to take my word for it, if you identify with how a manual processor functions, you are a manual processor. There will be no strong arming you to believe something that’s not true. (However if something doesn’t feel right, please ask and let me explain.)And did I mention you are amazing? I know that may feel weird. The world has brainwashed you to believe otherwise.
You are actually “manually processing” MOST of your world. “Manual” here means “consciously operating.” So for example, scientists estimate that the average person (which they are assuming is an automatic processor) has 95% subconscious mind, while only 5% conscious thought. THIS is the type of brain that the world was made for. This is the baseline for where all the rules, standards, and measurements in society come from.
A brain in survival mode however, has SHUT DOWN due to the energy crisis. It learns to rely heavily on logic/reasoning/patterns. It’s subconsciously rejecting 90+% of the stimuli it’s absorbing. It rejects it to the TRASH. This is the feeling that something is going against your grain, when things don’t make sense. All the stuff in your trash must be CONSCIOUSLY operated/reviewed. That means you are consciously operating 90% OR MORE of the world. You have 5-10% being done unconsciously for you. THAT’S NOT FAIR. This huge brain pileup in your mental trash landfill will build up super fast because TOO much is going there.
Because your brain is keeping and processing what you understand (logical things that have patterns) you are extremely smart, intellectual, and surrounded by idiots (this element is automatic still, remember?) Unfortunately, you are left to deal with a HUGE amount of things that don’t make sense and have already been thrown in your trash bin. Dealing with all this mental trash everyday is extremely taxing mentally, emotionally, physically, and everything else. This is why it’s so hard to function in this crazy place. It’s designed and built for automatic processors. And nobody knows you’re manually processing. So they assume you’re automatic like them. They are impatient because you are taking so long to do things, because their brains automatically do 1000s of things all the time without them even knowing. It’s Like it’s run by a bunch of bots in the background. This doesn’t cause any mental stress to them. They DO have it easier, in case you wondered. You may have just assumed they ran around making flippant decisions and that is what explains their crazy and stupid behavior, don’t get me wrong, there are stupid and crazy people, but the majority of the ones that surround you are actually not stupid, they have minds that work as fast as yours does when it comes to those things you are good at. For example, say you are good at math, you just know the answer, it’s hard to show your work. This is how thinking is for them when it comes to social situations or other areas. It wasn’t flippant, it was actually thought out very fast by a bunch of “robots” in their mind.
Your Super Powerful Brain
When the brain is in survival mode, it relies heavily on logic/patterns/reasoning and concrete instructions. From brain scans, we can actually see this, this is larger while other areas have gotten smaller. This part of the brain becomes super powerful and overcompensates for the areas that have “atrophied.” The atrophied areas are just because there is reduced neuron activity there -reduced energy- like no one plugged in the power to those parts, or there isn’t much power running to those areas, so using those areas are EXTRA difficult. This is why you are near genius at things that make SENSE. If you aren’t, it’s usually because you are in survival mode so deeply that your struggles with functioning have impeded your ability to develop your talents or interests. Chances are you are brilliant in some areas, practically godlike I’m sure. Auto-processors cannot “Flex”(show off) when it comes to this. There is too much “juice” going to all the areas of the brain evenly that the brain doesn’t become extra powerful here, like yours does. So flex all you want. You freaking deserve it.
Why you may struggle in social settings
Social elements have no apparent patterns. It is too abstract. It is like you are manually or consciously operating a brain that’s supposed to be automatically processing this for you. See our post on the Social code.
Automatic brains have an automatic feature that filters the words, provides context for meaning, translates the body language, the tone, etc… it does it automatically. Unconsciously. It’s more like a vibe/feeling. This is part of when you’re told to “read” a room. Your filter must be “hand cranked” so to speak. This takes SO much mental energy. This is what people have called “Masking.” As if this is something you’re doing to trick people. (NOT TRUE) Autos/Hypers don’t even know they have an automatic feature that allows them to mask ALL THE TIME and it requires NO mental energy. Until they experience a brain injury, or things like postpartum depression, will their “mask” come off. And while the Snickers jingle proclaims “You’re not YOU when you’re HUNGRY.” It implies that when you’re hungry, the monster comes out, and it’s not the real you. Yet Mannies around the globe are in massive mental distress that the automatic world can’t see, and get smacked with comments like “you’re a jerk” “you’re so selfish”, etc… and CONSTANTLY judged for how they respond under DURESS. Manual Processors get ZERO compassion. And the times you have the mental resources to operate this mask filter, you are still juggling a bunch of other things. On top of sensory things flying at you, you are anxiously trying to remember if you are doing all the right things and checking it twice, because you don’t want to mess up. Did you read the body language wrong? What tone was that? Are they still interested in what I am saying? Was that a stupid thing to say? This alone causes lots of social anxiety and functioning anxiety because you cannot do things as fast as auto processors because they have “automatic” brains and it’s just all happening SO fast. There may have been too many times your brain couldn’t “keep up” and you may have felt embarrassed because your brain left you high and dry. Interactions could feel as extreme as a teacher asking you to give a presentation in class worth your entire grade with no notice. Some interactions (with important people you love and care about) can feel this important, you are terrified of saying or doing something wrong, but you still are determined to stand by your truth too. It can be an impossible place to be.
You may decide that you need days notice before you need to have important conversations, or before attending an event requiring conversation. You may find yourself talking to yourself all the time, coming up with every possible scenario and reply that you AND the other person could say. You want to be ready. That’s just conversations. What about going somewhere new? Will you be able to have a plan for every possible outcome? Will you be overwhelmed socially? What about sensory things, will it be loud, will it be smelly, will it be chaotic? You have to factor in every possible scenario, every possible outcome, and hopefully plan an exit strategy before you could consider accepting an invitation. Yet because you didn’t respond in less than 3 seconds, your friend or loved one is upset, rejected, unhappy, etc… You haven’t even had a chance to give an answer. You are essentially being asked to go jump around and play in the “landfill” of your mind and you are trying to calculate your resources to see if you can even do it, that takes TIME to make a reasonable decision and they’re already upset with you? What a great start. (Insert sarcasm here). Ironically, their brain is doing it as well, but since it’s automatic, it is unconsciously done, so they can come to the same conclusion in less than 3 seconds and they don’t even realize all the steps they did. They are sincerely butt-hurt about the delay in your response because they imagine your brain works like theirs, so a delay means you are not wanting to participate in the activity, which again feels like a direct rejection of a part of THEM. The biggest problem here goes back to what we talked about earlier, is that your brain is in survival mode and overwhelmed. Because of that the brain cannot determine what is and isn’t a threat to you or how it relates to you (theory of mind). This also leaves you on high alert all the time because you feel like the entire world is a mental threat to you (because it is actually true for your experience) So the brain determines the risk to be too high and refuses to engage. Overriding this takes so much mental energy.
Why Change is such a trigger
Change is one of those threats because it doesn’t make sense. Many times you are engaging in something that makes sense, you enjoy doing it, then an outside force changes it or requests a change. This could be something as abstract as the weather changing plans, or as simple as being called to dinner while you are working on an important project you enjoy that needs to be done. No one wants to stop a pleasurable activity to participate in a less enjoyable one or a downright miserable activity. No one. Not one human. Unfortunately, survival mode is like having blinders on. You can be laser focused on one aspect of a situation that you are missing out on the benefits of the entire picture. When your loved ones are automatic processors, they actually already see the big picture and see all the possible benefits, they think you are aware of this too and still reject them. This is why they get hurt so often by your behaviors. If you reply that you are not hungry, they aren’t considering you are just making them aware that your current level of sustenance is sufficient for your needs. They think you clearly know they want to spend time with you, they think you know they went out of their way to make foods that you like, they think you are aware that gathering for dinner is VERY important to them and brings them so much joy. They think you are CLEARLY aware that your decline to their offer is clear rejection. Your short and concise use of words or terminology (which in your mind is just the most efficient way to communicate your needs) is seen as rude, ungrateful, entitled, etc… (did you think to thank them for the invitation or their hard work? Their brain does that automatically, so the absence of that in your reply makes the words you say appear rude and unappreciative. They then express they’re upset with you about your choice. You may be blindsided, You are just minding your own business, engrossed in your work. They appear crazy to be upset with you. You did NOTHING wrong. This is true. You simply told them you weren’t hungry. You may not have even declined dinner yet, most likely you are still trying to figure out if you can sit through a pointless dinner (because you’re not hungry, so it’s not serving a literal need). You might be weighing the consequences of stopping this project and trying to calculate your resources to accomplish it (if I stop and have dinner, will I have enough time to finish with all the other things I have to do) That’s if you have the chance to get that far when they begin yelling at you… Family life sounds like a dream right? SO FUN! This may sound a little exaggeration but I’d argue it’s not. And boy, it must be stressful. This is one of the many reasons there are meltdowns. If you can find a way for the change to make sense, it can actually be processed. If you quickly see that going to dinner would not be a problem (in any of your resources) that you have plenty of time to finish later, it would make your loved ones so happy and they would feel important to you and your relationship would grow. If you could quickly and efficiently see the benefit was High (for you and your loved ones) and the risk was LOW for you, how much easier would it be to navigate change? I found a way you guys. You are closer than you think.
My husband, the real MVP, dare I say sacrificial lamb
My husband is amazing. He’s been through so much. I feel like it’s partially because he needed to see and feel practically every situation imaginable so we could see first hand this works nearly every time and create a tool set that could help so many. But that means he suffered so much, all without me knowing. And while yes, I may have created the tools, but it was only because he opened up to me and became the most reflective human I know that it was possible. To reverse engineer all your thoughts and processes is extremely difficult. Also, considering how exhausting it is to think, I want you all to know that for a long time, on top of all the burdens he was dealing with, he sincerely believed he had to think for me and all our children. He thought he had to do the thinking for 6 people. I can’t even imagine the stress from that alone. This poor man has been pushed to insurmountable limits, I’m amazed everyday that he’s alive. I introduced these concepts to my husband 23 months ago and his brain has gone from manually processing to automating 2 other huge parts of his mind, he can fit most of the world in those two new “boxes”. This has significantly improved functioning, flexibility, and quality of life. Because your brain relies on patterns so much, it absorbs the patterns of the exercises very quickly and starts generalizing and applying it to as many things as it can. It makes up for all that lost time. ALL BECAUSE OF YOUR AWESOME BRAIN.
Recap and tie it all together
Because your brain is in survival mode, you’re translating/sorting your entire world and existence into 2 “boxes”
Keep and trash or necessary and not necessary, understand and don’t understand. Call it whatever you want but it boils down to two. Your “personal box” or “necessary box” is where your brain subconsciously stores all the things that matter and makes sense TO YOU. This is done without you being aware. Things just make sense or they don’t.
You can only keep what you understand and subconsciously rejects what it doesn’t. This is why you may freak out about something without even realizing the WHY behind it, just that it’s not right!
Because if it doesn’t make sense, it doesn’t feel right.
The problems arise in Life when you have to deal with things that don’t make sense. Because this is not “automated” it requires a significant amount of mental energy to deal with all the things that don’t make sense.
Some have created very extravagant strategies for maximizing the space in the trash bin, organizing it, automating parts of it, or keeping it clean so it doesn’t stress out their brain so much, they may have 1000s of boxes within the trash, but without truly processing things, it’s always on the path to a buildup. Or a dumpster fire. This is called a burnout. Its not your fault. It’s not faulty character, it’s not lack of self control. It’s JUST WIRING. That’s it. So good news. You’re not a “loser” like the world has brainwashed you to believe. You’re actually amazing and incredibly resilient.
The secret is actually simple. There’s other “boxes” to sort to.
A box to store “others happiness” and a box to keep all the annoying things or things you don’t like but have to deal with “beyond control”.
These additional 2 boxes simplify the sorting process. Ill show you how adding more will NOT make your life worse. But better. This is because you are actually already trying to store all those things already. They’re lurking in your trash and taking up so much mental energy. All those sub boxes you may have tried to file away in the trash actually have a place in the brain in these 2 new “boxes”. These 2 boxes are your first line of defense when it comes to determining your resources. In order to store/process those properly. Those files need to SHRINK. When they shrink, they no longer absorb so much mental energy, and can actually be processed.
It’s a matter of walking you through logical steps to show you there is a positive BENEFIT and LOW RISK to store this information in your brain or engage in this activity. That’s simple. I used to think you all were so scary and complicated. But really, you’re so brilliantly simple, it’s amazing. Simple in the best way possible. I adore your brain and the way it functions. I know you might be frustrated with it now at times. And I’m sure at times you feel like you’re surrounded by the dumbest forms of human life possible and that you are so much more intelligent than they are (I agree with this!). I can only understand a fraction of the trauma and abuses you’ve survived until this point. But it is because your brain is so logical and “ridged” that will end up being your saving grace. And I will show you how.
Generalization at unfathomable speeds
When you are learning how to sort things to the new box, you need to just walk through a few scenarios. Your brain absorbs and sees the logic, pattern, and begins generalizing. It makes up for lost time. Years of wasted time is made up in minutes. I’m not even kidding. My husband the same DAY became as mentally flexible as my son who had therapy since he was three! My husband. Who has ZERO coping skills. The epitome of teaching an old dog new tricks, became as mentally flexible as a child who had years of early intervention therapy. Absorbing and applying things quickly and easily.
Understanding crazy
We’re going to try an exercise, but before we start, think of something that you love doing. The joy it gives you. The fulfillment you have. Every person on this planet has things that bring them THIS TYPE OF JOY/HAPPINESS. Everyone needs this joy to be fulfilled. Problem is, until now, all those things looked so incredibly stupid to you, your brain could find no logic and you were usually left shaking your head. Even if you could determine that it DID make your loved ones happy, maybe you could even respond back WHY it made them happy. The WHY still didn’t make sense to you.
Auto processors (NT’s)like to share the things that bring them joy and happiness with YOU in attempts to connect and share their lives with you. When you REJECT the things they share with you, to them it feels like you are rejecting a piece of THEM. It hurts very personally. You wouldn’t ever be offended if someone didn’t want to share your interest with you. This is because of their brains. They connect with others this way.
The problem you’ve had until now, is you had no where to put these things (what brings them joy) in your brain. The only place your brain was capable of storage (temporarily), was putting it in the trash, simply because if it doesn’t make sense to you, it CANT go in your own necessary box (your personal happiness). You have no way to relate it to you, You cannot just MAGICALLY make something relate or understandable by desire alone, you need information, additional data, or instructions at least on how to do it. Without this, the processing cycle stops and you cannot completely store the information anywhere, It can only temporarily be stored in the “Trash” (which is still extremely mentally taxing and inconvenient) They see your “refusal” to share these “brain files” with them as a rejection of their attempt to connect with you. You are not TRULY rejecting their attempts maliciously, but without understanding, you have NO WHERE to store these shared files in your brain, but the TRASH. Its not personal, you are in a state of self preservation and you just DON’T KNOW HOW to hold the files anywhere else. This is NOT your fault and you are NOT a jerk for this. Even though I’m sure you have heard that 1000 times.
Watch the magic happen
Consider something that makes a loved one happy that makes NO sense to you. Chances are it makes your brain wig out a bit. Why would someone waste time, money, energy etc… doing THAT!? It’s stupid right? lol please remember the level of “disgust” your brain has for this right now (because we are essentially holding things your brain has thrown in its trash, thus the word “disgust.”) Because at the end of the exercise it will change! This could be as simple as a life choice, hair style, makeup choice, hobby choice, a movie they want you to watch, an activity they want you to do. Etc… this could be about a friend, family member, romantic involvement etc… it could even be as simple as something existing in your sphere of existence that doesn’t make sense. Think of this.
Is the “Disgust” level high? Not trying to trigger your brain, but we just need to take note of the starting point.
Got it. Ok. This will shrink, and this is the place where you will store it in your mind (you can call it whatever you like, it’s similar to Theory of mind)
*NOTE* Even if you are thinking “I don’t need this, I already do things for my loved ones, I tolerate it because i know it makes them happy”Please continue. This is going to show you that you don’t have to TOLERATE it anymore. In fact, sometimes you might even end up ENJOYING it with them.
Here’s the info for this box.
Name:Enrichment Box/ Other’s Happiness
Purpose: The place in your mind to store all the things that are important to your loved ones. The place you store things that have been marked as important by loved ones because these things make them HAPPY and ENRICH their lives. If you are married, this box might be full of your spouses things. (I’m using a wife as an example but virtually any loved one belongs here.) All the things she tells you are important to her that she wants YOU to care about belong in this box/folder. Her interests belong in this folder. Her clothes, her hair, her hobbies, her friends, her shows, her spending choices, how she spends her free time, her opinions, favorite foods, etc… Pay close attention to this box when it pertains to her feelings, feelings are often from her OWN necessary box. The benefit of this box is that this box brings joy to those you care about. Sorting and processing these things help your loved ones feel important and loved by you and become closer to you emotionally.This is the world where you can go to be with your loved ones without being in pain. I’ll show you how.
Measurement: Risk/Benefit (Risk to your resources VS Level of Happiness for your loved ones.
Criteria for sorting:
Ok so to figure out if something belongs in this first box, plug in the questions and see if it passes the criteria, if it does, you know it BELONGS in this BOX.
Examine/consider a request/activity/idea: (anything, just make it specific etc…)
1. Identify the purpose: Important to someone you love or care about.
2. Identify the level of Benefit:
LOW- MEDIUM- HIGH- VERY HIGH. This makes them VERY HAPPY. Benefit level is very HIGH.
3.Evaluate the risk level on this chart: (RISK LEVEL SHOULD BE LOW)
4. Compare risk/benefit.
5. Sort to box: If risk is low and benefit is high. The brain will be relaxed and can engage without feeling overwhelmed. This activity can be stored in the new box in Your head called Enrichment. NOT THE TRASH, not your personal box, but the “others happiness” box!
Did the magic happen?
Remember your “disgust” level for that thing that didn’t make sense? How does your brain feel about it now? Does it bother you or does it feel like it’s not a big deal? There SHOULD be an immediate relief.
If its still a big deal, chances are you hit the red on one or more categories. This is like a BOUNDARY. You do NOT need to cross a boundary for the enrichment box. If there is a time where you feel you need to take a significant hit to make someone happy, you should first consider if changing the circumstance would bring the risk to a normal level. You will clearly be able to see what element is overwhelming and if there is a simple solution. Loved ones DO not want you to be in pain at their expense.
Life is not without sacrifice
In the case where you are in the red but its SUPER important to a loved one. Consider if its something you can do temporarily. If going in the red symbolized going under the water, you would not be afraid to go under the water if you knew you could come up for air anytime. Family activities like water parks or amusement parks may always be something that will have some red areas, but you can come up with a no guilt escape plan (get out of jail free card) for a scenario that feels like too much for you. Many times the idea that you have an emergency plan actually gives you the mental resources to DO the thing! It’s amazing how that works!
Why this box and chart is important
Just like the doctors office has the pain scale, with faces. It helps create a level of communication that practically everyone can understand across languages and everything. When someone is in survival mode, you don’t always have the resources to even communicate your needs. This changes that. This chart is for both you and your loved ones. It helps them see where your resource levels are and this chart helps you protect yourself and create HEALTHY boundaries. No wonder you have been on high alert all this time, you had no way to quickly and efficiently take your well-being inventory and without that, it left you vulnerable to being deceived, swindled, betrayed, and abused. This helps create a PROTECTIVE barrier with the world. You don’t have to all of a sudden do what everyone else wants you to do ALL the time. You don’t need to buy someone a car just because they want you to because it makes them happy. You don’t have to give your last 20$ to your friend who wants takeout when you aren’t getting paid for another week. You’ve been too busy dealing with the next 5-10 seconds of survival, dealing with whatever is right in front of your face, you haven’t been able to efficiently forecast and make the best decisions to protect yourself emotionally, financially, physically, mentally, etc… YOU are NOT all of a sudden a DOORMAT, this means the opposite, you won’t be taken advantage of by others and this chart helps you EASILY see that many requests from those you love are actually NON-Threatening and SAFE to engage in!! Thats the GREAT NEWS! THIS IS THE PART THAT MAKES IT A WIN FOR BOTH SIDES. You don’t have to be miserable to be with those you love. This chart helps you identify possible risks/damages, and compare them to what is at stake (The happiness of others you love), along with the possible benefits and make a logical, reasonable, and fair assessment of your situation. If the risk is far beyond what you can expend, you are free to RENEGOTIATE the terms until you feel safe in those categories. Life is not without risk, and i know you know that, there’s going to be some discomfort you can’t avoid. BUT this chart, this box, these steps, show you how to make it a pleasant experience. This helps others see a fair representation of your resources as well, instead of being mislabeled as refusing to cooperate, you are showing them you don’t have the resources to accommodate the request. MOST people (especially loved ones) are actually reasonable when you can actually communicate effectively. I DON’T want my husband to be in a situation that compromises him and makes his brain explode. I never want him to suffer again. I just never knew what I was asking hurt him the way it did, because it didn’t hurt me. Now he can see with this chart, that all those little things I ask, don’t have to hurt anymore.
You can print these instructions and carry them with you so you can refer back and forth WHENEVER YOU FIND YOURSELF CONFUSED OR FRUSTRATED. Put it on your wall. Write out a few examples. Just do it enough times for your brain to grasp the concept and it will take over. I PROMISE. Your brain is AMAZING like that.
Remember, this allows you to spend time on the enrichment box and actually enjoy it because THESE THINGS STILL HAVE PURPOSE. And while you would NEVER file them in YOUR NECESSARY box, you understand it makes other people happy to be in that enrichment box. You don’t NEED to tolerate this box. It NO LONGER BOTHERS you because it’s no longer a THREAT to you.
Example
You can literally plug in anything you don’t understand, but that is important to someone you care about. Chances are it bothers your brain, even a little bit, because it can’t figure it out and thus cannot determine the threat level to you. So for example, a tiny, but significant thing for my husband. When he looked at me, his brain would get stuck on all the things that didn’t make sense about me. The way I did my hair, my makeup, my lashes, etc.. (this is besides the other things about me that made no sense, like bad habits that made him nuts, like walking on the dirty kitchen floor with bare feet, etc…) When he looked at my face he couldn’t appreciate my whole face, because his brain got stuck on the components not making sense. So when he plugged in the components into the formula. It went like this.
Examine a stimulus (request, idea, activity, opinion): My wife likes to wear makeup and put on fake eyelashes.
1. Identify the purpose: This is very important to my wife. She loves doing this.
2. Identify the level of benefit: This makes her VERY happy. The benefit level is very high for her. (And that makes ME happy when shes happy)
3. Evaluate the risk level this poses to MY WELL BEING ** Look at the risk chart and ask yourself “Does my wife wearing lashes (or makeup) require any of my resources in a damaging way?”
Scan the chart and make sure no elements are in the red.
4. Compare the risk/benefit: Risk is VERY LOW if any. BENEFIT is HIGH. Low Risk/ High Benefit = SAFE for your brain.
5. Sort to box: Take this Brain file that was PREVIOUSLY large and in the trash bin, and see that its now very small and non threatening to your brain. Put it in the NEW folder in your brain.
This does not belong in your core “personal” folder. Because you don’t PERSONALLY get joy and happiness from it, but its also not the trash. Its a NEW spot to save things that come from OTHER peoples “personal” folders.. Its a place to store all the files people are trying to share with you. Like a “File sharing” folder.
I’ll teach you how to set up your Enrichment box in the next post!